4/14/24
Hey everyone,
Idk if anyone has been checking the website as of late, but it has gone through some enormous changes. For one, welcome to Winter... in the Spring! This blog and site started in the Winter, so I figured I want it to stay there. I am going to slowly be re-adding variations of the old pages, but much more to what I would liike them to be now in my life. Rather than idealizing the times of when the blog started, I'm reinventing the site to a kind of fantasy. I'm still gonna include my portrait-of-whats-going-on-in-my-life blog posts, but I'm trying to reinvent myself along the way. I dressed very hot-topic thrift store gothic last semester, and I am not saying that is bad or that that is wrong, but I'm changing my style. I still want to try that, but right now I need basic. More tanktops, more shorts, more skin, more lip gloss, more basic makeup, less energy taken from me. Less anxiety.
So! New blog, new me (so cheesy but so real), hope you all enjoy the future of Jemma On The Web! Byeee!
4/15/24
As the days progressed the chaos and unorganization of a post-apocalyptic webpage grew me to be weary. I lacked order and decision in my own life, and still do, but I made decisions and moved along. I've moved along unknowing of the space in which those whom I have left behind dwell, only speculating upon the worlds they may live in. The days of the past seem yet to be only a spectacle of my vast and vivid, delusional imagination. I sit and I think, but do not let it marinate me in sorrow. I work hard to succeed.
In AP Lit we as a class have been diced into groups, each to read a Shakespeare problem play. My group has been tasked with reading The Winter's Tale, perhaps inspiring my new style of blog. I like my group, from what we've researched it looks like a good play. Sometimes I feel that I'm writing letters to the past when I've been writing these blog posts. A past that is the present though. I'm in a weird state where the past is the future, the present is a mix of elements from the past with some missing, and the even further past is the present while that past's future is the future. With that I leave you all, updates are still going on the site.
4/16/24
Today I went on a trip to a college campus with some other students from my school to a school that is #1 on my list of schools I hope I get into. I could go into the reasons why and why I may or may not get in, but that's some stress I don't need. I'd rather express my feelings from the trip. Chiefly, loneliness I supose. My friends were there. I guess I just didn't stay very near them. I was invested in what the tour guide was saying about the University. All that I heard only made me want to attend even more.
It's funny, I can't stop thinking about my ex-girlfriend. I still feel bad about breaking up. Some people have made me feel worse. Some have tried to make me feel better. Some have their own relationship situationships that they are dealing with. It feels like I just got off the freeway and now I watch from the highwayside as everyone goes so quickly to a place they don't even know. Off to the future.
That's where I'm going to. Hopefully to the University of my dreams to study Art and Library Science. I look forward to it, but I must focus on the now... Such as my impending Sociology assignment I have not yet begun (I have to present it this Friday). Further down the line, we've got the Summer. I want to work, and go to the beach. That's it. That's what I've been telling everybody. I briefly think of sticking to my plan from Summers of the past: self isolation. This probably won't happen, but it's always a thought.
Even further down the line? Senior year. I'm excited for it. It's gonna be fun. I debate continuing to take on the challenge of dual enrollment or stepping back into the realm of highschool, which I've come to find is not the fantasy I have made it out to be. On the bright side (for that is where I wish to stay), I'm looking at taking a freelance writing class, which means my article writing skills will get better. That only means good things for the blog. Either way, I must look forward and not turn back; I must combat the creeping negative emotions; I must stay strong, and so shall you.
4/17/24
Did I tell you about the Danes coming to my school? Well, they did. They came around because they want to be a sister school the other day. Anyways, they came into my art class and talked to me for a little bit (about things like smart phones, competetiveness of school, and stress factors) and then they moved onto the metals room. They were quite nice to me and congratulated me for not having any social media on my phone (thanks)! Today I passed them in the hall while walking with my history teacher, who went,"Yeah, my current class will be fine, they're well behaved.. Because Jemma isn't in that class!" My government teacher likes to mess with people like that. As I was passing the Danes walking behind him one of them went,"I like that one!" I win guys, the Danes love me (which is why I have aptly named this blog post The Danes Love Me). It made my day! Anyways, that's my short little interaction story for today. Hope you all have a great Wednesday! Peace out.
4/18/24
Today I feel frustration. I figured we left things on good terms, yet I find my sureness shaken by a single text message. It's funny how little things make big impacts. I feel strange and foreign from what I knew. I wish to run as far away as I can. I want to take my car and drive as far as I can. Drive down south to Nashville, back North to New York, and then West to California. Maybe pick up and drop off friends along the ride. Maybe trade my car for another. This is only a fantasy, I'll never live that. That isn't planned, if anything near that were to happen it would.
I must keep in mind that I don't owe anyone anything EVER. It may sound selfish, but I'm in reality just being assertive. I've been known to submit to whatever people say or demand of me. I am working on it, but I am NOT working on it for ANYONE ELSE. I am LIVING for ME. I DONT need advice from ANYONE ELSE. Some people have tried to give me advice, and I apreciate the thought, but sometimes one is not fit to give this advice. Anger is the stage of grief I remain in.
4/19/24
No blog post today because I do not feel inspired to write :)
Honestly, I don't think my friend Evie or any of my little online people have been reading this, and that's kinda who I am writing this for to read so I think I'll take a pause today. Perhaps I'll get back to this in a minute. Honestly I don't expect anyone to read this. I don't know. Have a good day everyone, remember to take breaks when you need 'em!
P.S. I supose this became a blog post anyways!
4/20/24
Goood Morning internet peoples. It's me, Jemma, per usual. We hit 20,000 views on this bad bitch now (holy shit!) and so that's pretty cool. But anyways, I'm just keepin' the post short today. Yesterday I hung out with one of my friends, so that was lit. I got 2 d20s for like a fuckin doller (like thats insane to me, I am going to become a dice goblin now I think) and we went to the Library and we went to a little coffee shop place and an antique store. Lots of stuff for three hours lol. But yeah, at the Library I got the book Howl's Moving Castle which I recognized from the Studio Ghibli movie, but I wanted to give it a shot so yesterday before watching this weird ass Romcom Musical thing I read the first chapter and it seemedd pretty good and now I want to go read it before I have to go to work and therefore I am going to cut the blog here. Anyways, thanks all you internet folk for reading! Byeee!
P.S. I submitted one of the poems I wrote in the New Old Blog to a school poetry contest, I'll tell yall if I win! I probably won't, but hey, I figured I'd try! Anyways, bye for real this time!!
4/21/24
Hellllooo blog, this is Jemma speaking. I gotta get my confidence back up about my apearence. That's a whoole other thing, lets just get to the talking. I near forgot to write the blog post today, until now (about 8:11 pm). Of course, I did have work and Church. Work was good, two friends were working so it was all good. Church was fine too. The preacher, she made a cool point about how a lot of people don't like the idea of Jesus being a shephard and everyone sheep because they find sheep borin, or the sort of thing you think of when you call someone a sheep, and how that simply isn't true and that so called sheep can be interesting. Of course, the basic ideas of this were the children's sermon, I have no clue what the actual sermon was. It was good though, I was not disturbed or sleepy from it. Those are kind of the two directions bad sermons go. I can think of about three sermons that permanently scarred me throughout my life. They still have a lasting effect on me.
But anyways, this was a good day. I don't really want to go to school tomorrow (or really at all this week) for obvious reasons, but hey, free education. I'll make sure to post throughout this busyish week. Bye bye!
4/22/24
Hey everyone, welcome internet to my little blogpost of the twenty second. It's hard to write on the blog sometimes because I know the whole world can see my thoughts. It's a little unsettling sometimes.
Either way, I'm pretty hungry today, more specifically right now. I really am having a hard time writing today. I need to let it go though. Anyways, today is the last Monday I will have my Sociology class EVER. Thank God! I already have more free time than normal, which has been nice (more on how I've been spending it in a second), and now I'm gonna have even more time on my hands! I've been spending more time with my brother and family, hanging out with friends more, and have been going to the beach more again. I've also been getting back into reading more with this time (currently I am reading Howl's Moving Castle). With the new found time after this week (which is my last week of my Sociology class and I need to remember to study for the exam, likely by reading the textbook over) I'll be getting home from school around 1:40 to 2ish like every day. Wait, I'm gonna do the actual math real quick.. Yup! From about 1:45 to 1:50 every day (about an hour before everyone else gets out). I'm gonna take advantage of this to get a whole laundry list of things done (studying, cleaning, practicing guitar, and working on art for my college portfolio). Anyways, thankyou all for reading, or not reading, today. I'll see all of you friends tomorrow!
4/23/24
This is just the start of today, and the blog post. So much shit got me pissed right now and this is my place to spout those uncensored opinions. That's how you know it's about to be a good blog post lol. I don't really give a shit about anything right now. Yeah, Sociology exam, yeah, social drama, yeah, hanging out with people, yeah, colleges. I don't care. I've got bigger fish to fry. I've got a paying gig comin' up, 125$ each band member playing for two hours. It's about to get fuckin' lit at the fair. We're already preppin' and the gig is in July. This Summer, I'm gonna work my ass off. I'm workin' my ass of in general, but I've got plans. I'm gonna fuck shit up. It's gonna get fuckin' crazy this Summer. Beach time all the time unless I'm at work, I'll have a shit ton of money, no college no school going on. No drama, just the beach and my crazy fucking brain.
I hate the rain because it makes everything get all wet, like specifically my shoes and socks. I gotta walk through it for school. Today I'll be eating in the Cafeteria again, I'm on the pilgrimage. I go everywhere, say hi to everyone. I eventually make it to the end of the line where I stand with my friends. Maybe I'll eat outside today. You never know, I'm kinda gonna eat where ever I want. There's no rules in the highschool. There's nobody telling me I can't sit where I want. I love highschool. It's freedom. This is where I leave you all today, doing good and getting crazy.
CLICK FOR EXTENDED BLOG POST
I'm at school now, and I'm finding depression once again. I don't want to do anything today. There's a wall of darkness after the events of today. I see no future somehow. I can't look past today. It's getting too hard to handle. Temptation creeps in and I debate going home. No. I don't give up. There is work to be done. I must be here. I can't let this stop me. I think back to the old blog. Perhaps it was better that way. Perhaps I will digress. No. Change is good. Perhaps I shant be publishing all of this. Perhaps this is a bad idea. Perhaps this will be the reason I don't get into university. This year feels as though it's my last year of highschool. It is not. I have one more year. Next year will be like 8th grade. Right now is like late seventh grade although it does not line up by three. Tenth grade was suposed to be like seventh grade. I think back to my boyfriend of the time. He said he'd meet up with me at this time last year. I think about the nights he kept me up at night crying and sweating, running to get water and cool my nerves. I think back to his friend from the mental hospital. I think back to his story of his near suicide. A day before we met he attempted to jump off a bridge, only to land in the rocks and scrape himself. Which one of him was it? I think about if he thinks of me. I think he has forgotten. I think I'm too impressionable. I am like the Tibia. If you hit it, it keeps the mark. For life. It doesn't go away. It stops hurting, but the mark remains. I remember my girlfriend from when I was thirteen. She was sixteen and lived in Florida. She was abused by her father. She had no escape. She fell in love with me. I couldn't fathom this. Now I'm older than she was. I feel old. She must be nineteen if she survived. I blocked her. The internet left me with these scars, and now I dump these scars back out onto the internet. I don't believe I have trauma. Not in a traditional sense. These figures that have come and gone through my life had real trauma. Dissociative identity disorders, abusive parents, pedophile boyfriends, and so on. I did not experience these things. I experienced reaction to them. I experienced those who experienced them looking for someone to tend to their needs in these things. As a young one I didn't know what to do with these things. I still don't. I block this out of my brain. These thoughts on the past were mistakes made by an unknowing me. All of these things occured during the pandemic. Looking at this block of text in the Neocities HTML editor, I find that this will be the longest blog post yet on the new new blog. I expect nobody to read it. I have a feeling one or two people will. It's really not here for anybody but me. This is here only to lift off my chest. I debate about deleting this, but why not release more data into the vastness of the web.
My sociology teacher took precious time of the class describing a major problem of modern sociology. The internet. Massive amounts of data, free form, just out there. Nobody can sort through it all by hand, so we are forced to use machines. I use this machine to sort through my issues.
4/24/24
I don't feel much like writing after yesterday's extended blog post and general bad feelings, yet as they say, the show must go on! So here I am. Yesterday was pretty hard (if you couldn't read it in the blog post) but like I said I did not let it defeat me! Here I am today, feeling much better. After I got home, I decided to do my workout (which I have aimed at very specific things, will dig into that more in a second) and that made me feel better. Roughly when I finished that, my friend came over to hang out and we planned for the DND Campaign we're running today. We actually did planning and it is actually looking like things will go smoothly and be pretty fun. Then I went to a little college fair thing in the City and looked at some cool colleges. It definitely gave me more of an idea of where I would like to go, where I do not want to go, and where I need to do more research. Luckily I've got my Dad helping me out with some of the researching and he took me to the thing, which was nice. Then I got home and chilled for the rest of the night, read a chapter of my book, and went to bad. I also had some WACK dreams last night. I'm not gonna get into that. Anyways, on my excersize routine: when I was taking gym class last semester it helped me deal with relieving a lot of hard stress, so I figured doing something like that right now would be helpful. I'm doing leg workout stuff Monday, Wednesday, and Friday (no weights or anything, but I might get ankle weights in order to achieve some goals) and arm workouts Tuesday and Thursday. Then I'm starting a stretching thing aimed at doing the splits. I'm starting to get closer and more flexible, and I feel a little bit better about my body. Anyways, sorry about yesterday everyone, have a good Wednesday!
4/25/24
I've got good news, and news and general coming live from my school chromebook, hello internet and hello IRL people (none of which I know of that should be reading this, for the most part). Good news time, because it is good to count your blessings, my blessings being that my Sociology exam is actually next week Wednesday instead of this Friday. This gives me much more time to study than expected. I also checked my grade in the class and I have a 92%, so I'm not at all just a little worried about it.
In other news, I am not sure what I am trying to do with the site right now. I'm sort of thinking about making a bookshelf like the Club Penguin bookshelf in the second floor of the Cafe, but with books that I like or books that I think are interesting. I've even lightly thought about putting my sketchbooks in it much like Geekula's Doodle Books on her site. This would require me getting a lot better at html and css though, and maybe even using more javascript (which I am somewhat deathly afraid of). Anyways, thanks for reading the blog again my people! There's now enough posts where in the footer I added a link back to the top for your convenience, so test it out for me! Also, this is a reminder that I would love to talk to anyone of you readers on discord or if you email me at jemmaontheweb@gmail.com! Seeya!
4/26/24
Hi blog, it's Friday. I'm doing the blogpost in the morning today because I know it is going to be a busy day. I've got school, college, and work. So like, that's a triple threat. That's why I figured I'd get this out of the way. There's also this garage sale I want to go to today because I bought a walkman, five cds, and a (broken) discman for 15$ there yesterday and they said there would be more stuff today. Anyways, that's where I'll leave it for today. Goodbye.
4/27/24
Heyyy blog!! Tonight I went to the mall instead of going to prom, because lets be real, who gives a shit about stuffy clothing and overpriced tickets for a highschool event. A lot of my friends were'nt even going and there's only like one of my friends that I would want to hang out with. All my besties didn't go. Plus, at the mall I got a super cute t-shirt with sunflowers on it! It's super tight and hot af. We're out here makin' people crazy. I had to drag my brother through a lot of stores lol and almost got him to go up a closed escalator with me. It was super fun though and now I'm chillin' watchin' TV. So, ergo, fuck prom and long live the mall. Byeee!!
P.S. I updated the Pokemon page.
4/30/24
Good afternoon internet. What's that? Why have I been gone. Well, okay. So on Sunday I was working, and yesterday I went to the big City on an art fieldtrip. It was pretty fun, everyone was super tired after though. On another note, tomorrow is the big day! My last day of Sociology and the final exam! I'm gonna be totally honest, I feel prepared and ready. I've been studying for a week, I took notes the whole class, and I already have a good grade so there is padding if I fail. It's so nice! It's weird to think that I've been running this blog all the way from when I was still in my Drawing Dual Enrollment class, into my confusion and signing up for my Sociology class, and all the way through it now. It's weird how time has passed. Now that I'm thinking about it even more, yesterday was the blog's seventh month!! That's a holy number!!! Thank you all for travelling through this with me and clicking on my dumb little site :P
A lot has changed since the begining, but I think I'm in a good place right now. I don't know if I already talked about it, but I started working out too, so I think that has helped. Not in like a I'm one of those girls that lives at the gym way, but more of a trying to do it for my mental health way (and to get a bigger ass lol). Anyways, I AM STILL ALIVE, and here's to many more months of the blog (if I feel like it). Byeee!!
5/1/24
Hello internet, it's Jemma.
Do I really feel like writing? I just finished a timed writing on Shakespeare's A Winter's Tale. I quite enjoyed the play, but this timed writing felt bogus. Like, I just feel worn out and tired today. I also feel like a shitty friend. I can see that one of my friends is in distress, but I cannot figure out why. I need to learn to let it go though, if someone doesn't want to talk about things then I ought to leave them be and not beat myself up about not being able to fix it.
On another, brighter, note, HAPPY MAY!!! I love May, 10/10 month. School is almost over, the air is warm and cool all at once. The flowers are blooming, and so is the inspiration in my brain. I have started working on a little 4-6 pageish comic using the dialogue and characters of the White Stripes' song It's True We Love One Another. This has also gotten me back into the music of Holly Golightly.
On the other hand, today is the day of my Sociology exam. It feels stange to almost be free. I need to look beyond the dark clouds laid across my mood and mind and look into the glory of the blue sky, green trees, and bright sun which nature proudly presents me today. I must not focus on the bad, but the good. Not the mistakes I've made, but the challenges I have and will overcome in my time. I must not focus on the isolation and trapping of myself in this building and this brain at this moment, but rather the trecks I will travel outside soon. In about twentyish minutes I get to walk in the light of the sun. Is it not happy, and why shouldn't I be happy. I know not if I have done anything wrong, and know not what it is if I have. Goodbye!
5/2/24
Good morning internet! How's it going? I guess I really shouldn't ask, yall can't really respond (unless you emailed me or said in my guestbook or something). Well, I have good news; I am done with Sociology! I never have to go back. Next week when I don't have a sixth hour (or even this Friday!) I'll apreciate it. Right now after school I have therapy :P so thats that. But, on a more fun note, tonight I'm going to go watch Challengers with my brother. The perk of working at the movie theater? I get in for free! Lets see... I'm trying to think of more shit to type down on here today, and I have a feeling I'll think of more things later, but I don't know. I guess I'll just cut it here for today. Byeeeeeee!!
5/3/24
I am really pissed/upset by my SAT score that I got (I cannot get into the college I want to now), but I'm going to try and not let that get in the way of the blog post today. Who cares about college anyways? I shouldn't. I still have the chance to get into a ton of other schools instead (and can apply without giving them my test scores) and can try and get into my dream school for my masters degree (which is still two cool years I can hang around campus). So yeah, I'm stopping the blog here. Goodbye.
5/4/24
Heyy blog, just got home from the beach. It was really nice today. I worked a good six hour shift, got home, ate pizza, and took off to the beach! I went with my brother and we were just chillin'. Nothing like the feeling of the water and the wind on your skin. And work was even good too! Pretty much everyone at work is cool. I have no beef with anyone anymore (thank God). Also, I'm starting to get pretty into Amy Winehouse because she has a biopic coming out soon. I even am getting the poster for it! I feel really bad for her, but I think her first album. I listened to it at work while I was cleaning the windows. Tomorrow I have to work again, but I'm chill with it. Anyways, I'm gonna take off for the night. Hope you all had a good Saturday! Keep on truckin'!
5/5/24
I think I'm entering an Amy Winehouse phase, like I'm pretty obsessed with her. I could be her. Anyways, I don't feel like blogging. Bye bye!
5/6/24
Words seep in dripping down the grapevine as feelings befall and self hatred creeps in. I'm in Econ, again. I've found I always write the blog in third hour. I think I need to delete social media again. I recently downloaded instagram again because someone interesting followed me and I wanted to see what was up with that, and I've gone to deep into digesting and decoding the platform. It may be time to get out.
On another, brighter, note, this weekend was really good. I hung out with my friend at work on Sunday, and on Saturday work was good too. I went to the beach with my brother, which I enjoyed, and on Friday I went to the library with my friend and with another friend went to target.
Sometimes I wonder who's reading this blog. Could be someone reading it over my shoulder as I type, people wandering in to read who I don't even talk to, internet strangers, or close friends. It's such a mixed bag. Honestly, I can't believe I'm still doing this thing. I think my mental health has been getting pretty decent (or has been holding together since my breakup) because I started working out again> Tryna get that lower body strength and maintain healthy upper body strength. Anyways, I better get going on my Econ work. Ciao!
5/7/24
I like action. When I want something done, I get it done myself and I don't let shit get in my way. Not in a demanding way, just in a.. work ethic way. I got priorities. Thats why it sucks when there are things that get up in my head that I can't do anything about in the moment. Of course I can do things, but thats crazy shit. Either way, it's all whatever. Last night I went to the beach, it was fuckin lit. Walked past this rock that said no tresspassing, and then this old guy yelled at us for being over there. Anyways, patience is a virtue I guess, and you gotta wait for more blog till tomorrow. Ciao!